Consider yourself as a bundle of needs and wants. In my work with people, I find no advantage to distinguish between needs and wants. So I don't. All humans have needs and wants, and we strive every second to deliver on those needs and wants. Our feelings arise automatically in response to those needs and wants. It is part of our 'hard wiring' to feel emotional responses - comes with the package, like the five senses.

Feelings are common to us. If I tell you I feel sad, you have an idea of what I'm feeling because you know the feeling of sad. I'll never know what it feels like to birth a child; so I cannot really know how my wife felt giving birth; but I know about feeling frightened, so I can relate to her fear during delivery. Likewise, she probably will never pilot a plane, so relating to my description of doing spins will be next to impossible for her; but when I describe the feeling of excitement, she can relate because she knows about excitement. So we actually relate to people very nicely using feelings. Think about that. We relate and connect to others through feelings! If we shut off feelings, we shut off connectedness to others.

And we can relate to our ego states at the feeling level. So as a middle age man I can have some understanding of my five year old Child ego state feeling of hopelessness because I know about that feeling.

The Major Five

If we think we're getting what what want we feel Happy. It's a present tense analysis: I'm getting this article typed right now so I feel content - a version of happy.

If we think we're getting something we don't want; or we're not getting what we do want, we feel Angry. It's a present tense analysis: I'm getting a back ache from typing so I feel frustrated. I didn't stop to do a workout at the Y, so I feel doubly frustrated!

If we think we're losing something we have, we feel Sad. It's a present tense analysis: When I think about the horse I used to own and how I don't have him anymore, I feel disappointed. When I think about my father, and what I miss about him, I feel grief.

If we think we're going to get something we don't want, we feel Fear. It's a future tense analysis: If I fantasize/think my son will be killed, I feel terror. If I think I'll not get any more clients I feel anxious.

If we think we're going to get something we want, we feel Excitement. It's a future tense analysis. When I think about my upcoming canoe trip to the Okefenokee, I feel thrilled.

A Feeling Vocabulary

Knowing a language contributes to your power by giving you options. The language used to convey emotions is therefore a study you might like to undertake.

Happy:   pleased, elated, overjoyed, contented, glad, blissful, high, bubbly, tickled, satisfied, delighted, carefree, bouncy, radiant, ecstatic, proud, merry, pleased, fantastic, terrific, exuberant, great

Sad:   forlorn, disappointed, tearful, blue, bloomy, wistful, longing, grieving, mournful, weary, low, lost, alone, aimless, apathetic, pained, melancholy, dejected, hurting, heavy, flat, sorrowful, discouraged, lamenting, sorry

Angry:   mad, spiteful, mean, frustrated, resentful, bitter, furious, fuming, revengeful, livid, irate, incensed, fed up, irritated, indignant, annoyed, infuriated, hostile, boiling, upset, disgusted, enraged, pissed off

Excited:   elated, jubilant, expectant, eager, enthusiastic, lively, hopeful, anticipating, giddy, aroused, confident, looking forward, adventurous, curious, hyper, thrilled, bubbly, invigorated, energized

Afraid:   frightened, uptight, scared, terrified, apprehensive, alarmed, anxious, suspicious, cautious, paranoid, worried, unsure, distressed, defensive, troubled, leary, tense, timid, uneasy

The Combinations   - Well, not exactly combinations, but commonly occurring together is a more accurate description:

Guilty:   Usually this 'feeling' is a complex soup of feelings resulting from breaking a rule, belief, moral code, ethical stance or something of that sort. In my experience, clients feeling guilty are responding from the Child to a Parent ego state transaction. The component feelings are often fear and sad. You feel afraid of what might happen, and sad about a loss. Often the sadness is stated as being sorry and comes from the thought that you've lost something such as a person's trust or love. The fear comes from the thought that you will not be loved or trusted in the future. Hence both the present and future are involved. If the rule is one that does not serve you, (a rule from your parents upbringing for example) it's possible you'll also feel angry - angry that you're feeling fear and sadness, or angry that you might be punished. In all cases, there is a broken rule lying around somewhere.

Jealous:   Fear and anger. Usually fear about the future loss of  the person's attention, love, devotion, commitment. And anger about the same thing but in the present tense. You think you are losing the other person, and you will also be losing the person in the future. Usually, jealousy is a Child ego state experience that 'feels' like abandonment. Grown up people cannot be abandoned however! 

Hurt:   In almost all cases, feeling hurt is feeling angry. But because of who or what the anger is about, it is directed inwards instead of outwards - and 'feels' like an injury.

Connecting Thoughts and Feelings   

How people interpret events absolutely determines how they feel. For instance, recently one of my clients who successfully completed her therapy contract told me about the thoughts she had before each appointment while in my waiting room.

She would carefully watch when I would begin each session. When I was late, even by a few minutes, she would think to herself, "He doesn't want to see me," and would feel sad (loss of my attention and or approval). When I was early, she would think to herself, "I really must be doing poorly, since he is spending extra time to help," and would feel anxious (will not achieve goals). If I was on time, she would tell herself, "He's really got a factory going. I'm just a number to him." And she would feel irritated (getting impersonal service).

As you can see, no matter when I began the session (early, right on time, or late) this client would be thinking about the wait and make judgments – thoughts - that would stimulate feeling reactions. She could see the connection between her thoughts and her feelings. After she learned to pinpoint and report her thoughts, she realized these thoughts were actually unrealistic, and thus the feelings were inappropriate.

The next time she was thinking these sorts of thoughts and having the resultant feelings in the waiting room, she began to correct these interpretations. As she corrected them, her feelings changed – depending on what she thought.

An important skill for anyone who desires personal change is this form of self awareness. Our automatic thoughts significantly influence our lives, and often in a negative manner, so catching them the moment they occur has tremendous potential. Catch them, evaluate them for realism, and either accept them as valid or reject them as vestiges of an outdated historical past.

One final point about this skill. It takes practice, lots of practice, more than you might want to do. But the payoffs are HUGE and POWERFUL. Like learning any complex skill, if you invest the time and energy into it, you will be richly rewarded.

Judging Feelings   

Some people judge feelings as positive or negative, or good and bad. I, and most therapists, prefer not to do this and encourage our clients not to as well. Judging feelings promotes avoidance, ignoring or “stuffing” some of the feelings. Since feelings give a very immediate clue as to what thoughts we’ve just had, ignoring particular feelings will remove the possibility of knowing the thought or thoughts that produced them – and thus leave us stuck with those thoughts, and the stuffed energy of the feelings.

Knowing what you’re feeling means you can analyze what you’re thinking, which means you can assess what needs and wants are involved. This will give you choice about how to respond to those needs and wants.

Here’s an example: Driving along in your car in the left lane of a four lane road, a vehicle in the right lane suddenly changes lanes and pulls in front of you. You feel angry, and swear at the driver! What was the thought that stimulated feeling angry? Well, anger comes from getting something you don’t want, or not getting something you do want (or both), so what was the thought? Perhaps – I’m being forced to follow someone, and/or now I can’t see up the road as far as I want. Ahhh, now you know what your needs and wants are: don’t want to follow someone and want to see a distance up the road. Knowing that, you have choice on how to respond. Think about options to achieving your needs (ie. you can change lanes, you can slow down and put space between the two vehicles). Or you could decide not to problem solve and simply vent in the usual road rage manner.

Don’t Trust Your Feelings   

Contrary to popular mythology, you can choose to think about whatever you choose to. So suppose you recall the day in childhood when your favorite pet/aunt/uncle/grand parent died. The memory – collection of thoughts about that could center around your loss of a loved one, and thus stimulate a feeling of sadness. But it’s not a loss today. It’s a loss from years ago. Only the thoughts themselves are happening today, not the real loss. By recalling an historical event, or imagining a future event, we create present tense now thoughts – and experience the resulting feelings. They “feel” real. They “feel” just as valid as if the event was now. So just because you experience a feeling does not necessarily mean something real concerning your present needs and wants is actually happening! The feelings could be coming from thoughts about the past or fantasies about the future. This is very important to understand about yourself and about other people.

In many situations our feelings are actually based on memories – thoughts about the past, or based on imagination – thoughts about the future. We don’t acknowledge that we’re traveling through time; but instead behave as if the present is the source of the feelings. Lots of drama ensues. Lots of ineffective behaving takes place in an attempt to time travel and problem solve.