Transactional Analysis : The Stroke Economy

In the last lesson I introduced the idea of strokes, units of recognition that we all give to each other like saying "Hi" or "Good morning" or even "Yea, what's so good about it." Since we all need them, want them and exchange them, a kind of economy has developed using strokes as currency. In this lesson I'll describe some of the rules of the stroke economy as practiced generally in North America.

The basis of the following rules is that strokes are in short supply. This is a handy belief for behavior management purposes especially for the control of children. If strokes are scarce, they can be given out like prizes for good behavior.

• Do not give strokes freely. After all, they are rare and must be hoarded like gold or precious gems.
• Do not give yourself any strokes. If you do, you could be accused of bragging which of course is rude! You might also be labelled egotistical or egocentric - which is bad.
• Do not accept a stroke given to you. Or immediately pass it back, or discount it, because accepting it means something such as: you're so insecure you accept 'charity', or you'll have to give one back later (and who wants to give away gold).
• Do not ask for strokes. Even if you need them. Everyone knows that if you have to ask for a stroke, it's a sure sign of some character flaw or personality defect. You might even prove that you're 'needy'. Furthermore, the person you ask will not be authentic if they give you a stroke - they're just doing it to be polite. And therefore the stroke is of no value. Some people also think asking for strokes is demeaning and they won't 'stoop' to that. Kind of like not asking for directions when you're lost.
• If you get a stroke you don't want, do not refuse it. That would also be rude!

By playing into these rules we deprive ourselves of a nurturing resource that is in fact free and available at no cost to anyone. They are not rare or like gold, so give them away at every opportunity - you'll feel happier. Give yourself a stroke whenever you want to. Most people never acknowledge their specialness to others; but they should since it is tacit permission for others to do the same, and furthermore, to acknowledge you! If you are given a stroke, evaluate it. Is it healthy for you to receive it? And if so, take it in. Every cell in your body will thank you. But if the stroke is not good for you, don't accept it. Just say "That's not good for me, so I'm not taking it."

Asking for strokes deserves its own paragraph because it is such a taboo thing to do. People who do ask for strokes may be considered rude, needy, or clingy at worst and perhaps simply weird at best. And many people believe that if they have to ask for strokes, doing so renders worthless whatever strokes they do receive. Naturally this false belief is accompanied by its sister belief that says "If you really loved me or cared about me, you'd know what I need and I wouldn't have to ask." So when you put the two together, they form a tight injunction against asking for strokes. At one time when we were infants and young children perhaps our parents did appear to magically mind read our needs and deliver them to us. But as adults, this method has a very low probability of success. A conscious adult, being responsible for getting his or her needs met in appropriate and effective methods will ask for strokes from those people most likely to be willing to give them. Like asking for a cool glass of water on a hot summer day, the satisfaction comes from fulfilling a need, not from waiting for someone to notice you've passed out from dehydration.