Transactional Analysis : Games

Psychological Games splashed down in the collective western consciousness back in the early seventies with the publication of Eric Berne's book Games People Play. Since then much inquiry and experience from the TA community has brought forth a useful game theory. There are several viewpoints but I will present the commonalities followed by one viewpoint called the Drama Triangle.

But first an example: Flora and Lillian are at the local coffee shop visiting. Flora starts the sequence:
Flora: "I just don't know what to do about Paul. He's so distracted by work these days that he never spends any time with the family. I'm beginning to think he's a workaholic!" (Deep sigh) "I'm really worried."
Lillian: "Have you tried talking to him?"
Flora: "Of course, but he won't commit to a time when we can discuss it. He says it's all in my imagination."
Lillian: "Have you tried counseling?"
Flora: "Yea, but the counselor said Paul had to come in as well."
Lillian: "Yea that’s a problem. Well, you can always try the sexy approach?"
Flora: (angry with a dismissive gesture) "Lillian what do think I am, some moron. Yes I've tried talking, and counseling, and the seductive approach. What makes you the marriage expert, John spends less time with you than Paul does with us!"
Lillian: (hurt and defensive) "I was only trying to help. You always get so mad at me."

The key characteristics of a psychological game are:
1) there is a sequence of transactions that take place as a group
2) the group has happened before, usually several or many times
3) the Adult ego state is not involved ie. you do the sequence not in awareness
4) the players end up with their racket feelings
5) the transactions are ulterior and become revealed at a moment called the switch when players change roles

So in the example above, Flora begins by the ostensible straight transaction talking about her problem with Paul. The ulterior transaction is something like "Poor me, I am powerless to solve this issue." This is a classic discount. Lillian's ulterior transaction is something like "You probably are ineffectual but let me prove it by asking you if you've tried these suggestions." This is the complementary discount. They bat these discount balls back and forth a couple of times until Flora suddenly switches the dynamics. She overtly discounts Lillian bringing the discounting into awareness. Lillian switches roles as well to follow the game (and takes her racket payoff feeling of hurt).

One way to look at games is by using a model called the Drama Triangle. Developed and introduced to the TA world by Stephen Karpman in 1968, it's a useful method of looking at many games. The triangle consists of three positions: Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. They are capitalized to distinguish them from real victims, villains, and rescuers. You can picture this triangle by placing the figure upside down so it's resting on a point. This is the one-down position of Victim. Persecutor is the top left point, Rescuer is the top right point. The game begins with one player taking a position and offering an invitation to at least one other person. If that person accepts the invitation, he or she steps onto the triangle and the transaction sequence continues.

In the above example, Flora took up a Victim position and invited Lillian to play with her opening transaction statement and sigh. Lillian decided to participate and play Rescuer. She signaled her willingness by responding to the opening transaction with a Rescue discount by giving advice. The two players remained on their positions transacting back and forth with discounts of advice giving and rejecting it until Flora had enough and decided to switch to Persecutor. Lillian played along for one last transaction, so she switched to Victim. Click here for more on the Drama Triangle.

The psychological purpose of games is:
(a) Lots of predictable intense strokes are exchanged. Long time married couples often get into the 'habit' of bickering back and forth. It's a game. Relatively safe, predictable strokes.
(b) A game is a proven way to structure time. It is more intense than activities but not as risky as intimacy.
(c) Illusion of Intimacy. Some people confuse games with intimacy because games have such intense strokes. Some couples play a game first (the same old argument) then follow it up with intimacy.
(d) Reinforce our script beliefs and frame of reference. In other words we prove something to be true: "Everyone is selfish", "All men are the same", "You can't count on family", "Nobody ever listens to me".
(e) Confirm our life position (see previous lesson) on the OK corral, ie. I'm not OK, You are OK.
(f) Further our script towards its destiny.

Typical Games

Yes But: White begins with a tale of woe and asks for help from Black, a handy nearby rescuer. After each of Black's suggestions, White dismisses it with the equivalent of "yes but" and encourages another suggestion. After several rounds either White or Black will terminate the exchange with a switch. Usually White will discount Black with something like ‘Well you weren't much help, I guess I'll go to someone who really understands me.' Victim to Persecutor.

Poor Me: (also called Stupid ) - I can't help myself & I can't think respectively. In these games White begins by displaying helplessness to which Black responds as a rescuer. Just before Black grows weary and either quits or demands White think and act responsibly, White pulls a switch and discounts Black with something like ‘I was wrong thinking you were smart/helpful/loving.' Victim to Persecutor.
Wooden Leg: White opens the game by (1) acquiring an infirmity or (2) using an infirmity already acquired as a reason for being helpless. Black, a suitable rescuer, provides help continuously as White subtly demands more and more. When Black finally realizes what's happening and attempts to quit rescuing, White switches to a typical stance of ‘You can't expect someone with [infirmity] to do ... What kind or person are you?' This game is commonly played using alcohol as the infirmity – you can’t blame me, I was drunk at the time. Victim to Persecutor. Wooden Leg is often played with chronic diseases as well.

See What You Made Me Do: White opens the game with a come-on for advice. Black, a local rescuer gives it. So the opening transactions are similar to Yes But. In this game however, White goes off and executes the advice in some fashion and, surprise, gets results that are not what White wanted. White goes back to Black and angrily delivers the switch punch line "See what you made me do!" Victim to Persecutor.

Kick Me or Blemish: White opens this game with a series of discounts (or worse, such as assault) to Black. After a while, Black has had enough abuse and wallops White. This game is common these days in domestic disputes where one spouse verbally harangues the other, provoking a physical response. Persecutor to Victim. And if police are called, they must be cautious not be drawn in as rescuers; but as impartial forms of social structure. Another version of this is called Cops and Robbers, where the Robbers discount laws or police and end up getting clobbered.

If It Weren't For You ...: White uses this phrase to persecute Black, the poor victim, until at long last, Black leaves the relationship (perhaps with a farewell ‘See what you made me do.’ tossed over his or her shoulder on the way out the door). Now White’s handy excuse for an unhappy life is gone. Will White start a happy life? Maybe. White comes face to face with him/herself - the hard-done-by frightened poor little abandoned waif. Persecutor to Victim. Sometimes he/she is lucky to have friends willing to listen to a history lesson titled ‘If It Wasn't For Him/her', in which case White continues persecuting Black in absentia. Very common with divorced couples.

I'm Only Trying To Help: White, a member of a volunteer rescuer society, may open this game by offering Black some unsolicited advice, or (if matched up with a Yes But or See What You Made Me Do player) some solicited advice. The advice is executed with either dire consequences or not the desired results. Black returns to White complaining bitterly about the quality of the advice. White feels hurt and says ‘I was only trying to help you.' Another closing phrase typical of this game is ‘After all I’ve done for you.’ Rescuer to Victim.

NIGYSOB: Now I Got You, You Son of a Bitch: In this game White and Black transact in some form of relationship that has rules, agreements, or expectations; and White watches Black very carefully for any infractions. The rule, agreement or expectation might even be unspoken. When Black slips up and does not adhere to whatever (depending on the value of the rule), White might store the infraction for later use. After a suitable number or value of Black’s infractions White engages Black in behavior typified by the name of the game – Now I’ve Got You, You Son of A Bitch. Civil lawsuits are often the 3rd degree form of this game. [Black will be playing a complementary game, probably Kick Me.] White moves from Victim to Persecutor, and Black moves from Persecutor to Victim.

Corner: Which is the NIGYSOB often played with children by adults: the adult opens with ‘Hey little Johnnie, come help daddy.’ Johnnie helps but as a three year old cannot do an adequate job, so daddy delivers the punch line ‘not like that, you’re so dumb, just leave it to me.’ Many cases of asthma begin this way with the child being baited (needing love and approval) and then trapped into an ‘airless’ corner of disapproval and resulting in a breathtaking fear of abandonment.

Rapo: Is the sexual version of NIGYSOB. White gives Black an availability come-on. Black comes-on. After a series of these flirtatious transactions, White abruptly rejects Black’s advances ‘Oooo, what kind of person do you think I am!’ In the 3rd degree form, sexual contact is actually made, then the rejection takes place as an allegation of rape. An alternative 3rd degree form has been called Let’s You and Him Fight. In this variation, commonly Mrs. White invites a come-on from Mr. Black, who comes-on. They transact back and forth for a while until Mrs. White switches to persecutor and tells Mr. White what Mr. Black is proposing. Mr. White Knight, as rescuer now assaults Mr. Black.

See How Hard I've Tried: is a slogan for a terminating transaction of several games mentioned above. It can be delivered by a Victim after ‘trying’ several rounds of advice unsuccessfully. It can be delivered by a Rescuer after giving several rounds of advice that were executed unsuccessfully. The Rescuer can also deliver it to a Persecutor or other Rescuers on behalf of a Victim who has ‘tried’ several unsuccessful rounds of advice. The Victim gets to stay a Victim. The culture even has a slogan that often supports this stance “It’s not whether you win or loose, it’s how you play the game.”

A Final Comment About Games – Taken From “Games Alcoholics Play” by Claude Steiner

Berne postulates that every game has a childhood antecedent which is the basis of the game as played in adult life. The game of Rapo, for instance, has as one childhood example the situation in which a little girl standing in a mud puddle invites a little boy to play. The boy enthusiastically plunges in and as soon as he covers himself with mud she daintily steps aside and walks off saying: "John Brown, you are a mess."
One patient recalls how, as a thirteen-year-old, she played a soft game of Rapo while being walked home or attending school dances. She also remembers how, as a seventeen-year-old, she insinuated to one of the less aggressive boys in her class that she wanted to be asked to the prom. When he did, she triumphantly announced that she had had a date with the captain of the football team for two weeks.
Later in life, she allowed boys to become sexually aroused while parking in a car and enjoyed their confusion and vulnerability under such circumstances. At college, she played the better known form of Rapo, and after a short marriage during which she played "Frigid Woman", she began to walk into bars unescorted and became more and more depressed with every "nauseating, filthy drunk" who approached her.
While the game is the same throughout her life, it becomes increasingly hard until, in the end, thoughts of suicide actually seem reasonable.
With this player, the backward-looking, repetition-compulsion aspects of the game are related to the patient's childhood relationship with her father. In its forward-looking aspect, the game is the indispensable action element without which the script would never come to its final tragic outcome.
This person's life can be seen as a chain of games, one after another. Yet, it is not enough to postulate a chain of games in which every stimulus leads to a response and the termination of every game leads to the initiation of the next one. The sequence of games, all leading to tragic suicide, is not simply a chain of random events, but a purposeful life plan. Every game is part of a preconceived chain leading to a preconceived goal.
The Rapo player here thought of herself as a tragic heroine in her teens, and realized at an early age that her end would be dramatic and tragic. In all probability the manner in which the suicide will be perpetrated has already been chosen, and all that needs to be done is to collect enough trading stamps to exchange for a suicide. How soon enough stamps are collected depends on how diligently she plays the game.