Transactional Analysis : The Drama Triangle

If you haven't read the lesson on Games, do so before proceeding.

The three positions of the Drama Triangle are detailed below.

Victim: Poor Me

The Victim will ignore, discount, or minimize himself. He considers himself to be powerless in the relationship or situation and actually lies to himself about his ability to effect change. The Victim feels oppressed, helpless, hopeless and often ashamed of that ‘fact'. The Victim will use a variety of communication styles to express his victimization: whiney, pouty, complaining, sullen, pessimism, doom and gloom, woe is me, cynical. The outstanding trait is a position of "I can do nothing about this."

The Victim will attempt to convince you that they had 0% responsibility in the matter of their victim hood. It was out of their control. It just happened. Similarly, for a current situation they will push to convince you that they have no influence; But you do!

The position of Victim is one of ‘no think'.

To move off this position yourself, begin problem solving. (Hint: if you are in the Victim position and reading this, go right now to a desk with pen and paper. Go. Sit. At the top of a blank page write - The Problem Is. Underline it. Now imagine you have an advisory group of 500 experts and your job is to simply record their brain storming ideas on where to start tackling the problem. In point form, jot down any and all ideas that come to you. Don't stop until you have at least 10.)

To encourage another person to move off the position and into problem solving, all you can do is affirm to them that you have faith in their ability to solve this problem they have, and if they need something from you, you will listen to and consider any requests they might have. It is imperative that you not attempt to solve their problem nor give advice!!!! You can empathize with them ie. Yes I hear you are (feeling).

Discernment: When people first hear about the Victim position, one tendency is to lump everyone who discusses a problem into the Victim group. The key is to listen for POOR HELPLESS ME messages. If you hear them, don't buy in or you'll be supporting and discounting a Victim.

If you do join in and play to the victim's position, be ready for him to switch to Persecutor and attack you.

Persecutor: It's All Your Fault

The Persecutor will ignore, discount, or minimise another person, or himself. He will state directly or indirectly (imply) that the other person is inadequate, stupid, helpless, hopeless, worthless, useless, pond scum or worse. The Persecutor will use a variety of styles to convey the message: blaming, criticism, accusations, sarcasm, gossip, seduction, conning and trickery, cruel or practical jokes (hey can't ya take a little joke?), temper tantrum, violence, threats, trapping and cornering. The Persecutor believes the Victim's problems are most likely because of a personality/character/mental/emotional/genetic/spiritual flaw.

The Persecutor often ‘thinks' that nothing would happen if it weren't for themselves. That they are responsible for anything ‘good' that happens. That they are 200% responsible. In fact they have to be because the Victim(s) are too useless to contribute anything. People who don't delegate or who have control issues should examine themselves as highly probable career Persecutors.

To move off the position yourself, focus on answering these two questions: What is it that I really want for myself? How can I get, or who can I ask for, what I really want in a clear honest manner?

If you are interacting with a Persecutor, inform them that you are not going to listen to them until they change their behaviour so it doesn't include the discounting or blaming or whatever it is they are doing. Then terminate the interaction!!! Remember that you are a powerhouse of possibilities and options for any situation - this person is not Big Daddy who has your life in his grip. In fact this person has a severe stroke deficit and simply needs you to pay attention. You declare the terms on which that exchange will take place. Of course if your stroke economy is in a deficit then you'll be tempted to engage and play the game.

For milder forms of persecution, stop the Persecutor with this question: What is it you really want from me? Then wait for and insist on the answer. Once you have that answer, move to problem solving.

Advice givers are often subtle discounters or attempting to get a stroke indirectly from you for their ‘good ideas'. But often you initiated the response by taking a Victim stance. Watch how you initiate discussions of your challenges because that's where the invitation is made. "Oh brother I got this problem with my ..." is very different from "I don't want advice. Will you just listen for a minute while I describe a problem I have with my ..."

A persecutor cannot force you to play Victim. It's a choice. Likewise a Victim cannot force you to play Persecutor. It's a choice. Either way, if you choose to play, be ready for the switch when the players suddenly take up new positions, everyone says "Huh? What just happened?"

Rescuer: Ah Poor Thing, Let Me Help You

A Rescuer will ignore, discount, minimise another person by taking the position that the person is hopeless, helpless, unable to solve the problem, and generally assumed to be flawed in some way. Because there are real victims in the world who need real rescuers, this position on the drama triangle tends to be more subtle and covert. And indeed, a psychological Victim may actually get themselves into a real victim situation. That's what we call 3rd degree, playing for keeps.

A Rescuer also believes the Persecutor is flawed in some way thereby discounting the Persecutor and his ability to solve whatever it is that requires him to be a Persecutor. So the Rescuer is discounting both Victim and Persecutor. Which explains why Rescuers often get beaten up by both players and told to keep out of it. Or in a 3rd degree game, the Rescuer tries to break up a fight and ends up attacked and hospitalized by the combatants.

A Rescuer often at a deeper level doesn't want to rescue; but does so out of guilt. Like who else will take care of this Victim. Can't let the Victim suffer, don't ya know! And usually the Rescuer doesn't expect the rescue to succeed. Like, with such a Victim a rescue is next to impossible. "Ya just can't help that kind of person." Plus on the Victim side, he doesn't want to be rescued cause that would end the exchange of strokes.

There are many styles of rescuer from Mr. Nice Guy to Ms. Helpful; from Mr. Community to Ms. Volunteer; from Mr. Martyr to Ms. Everyone's Best Friend. In every style the common theme is the Rescuer will attempt to solve the Victim's problems when in fact the Victim could solve their own problems. Yes the solving may be difficult; but who's problem is it? A gifted Victim will attempt to convince you that his problems are yours and you are therefore solving your own problems by solving his. A master Victim will engineer his problems to become your problems.

To get yourself off the Rescuer position, move to clear nurturing by taking no action until specifically requested in a clear direct manner. In response to the emotional moaning and groaning, ask if the person needs anything from you. Listen for a request. Often the Victim will phrase the request in a hazy, unclear way, hoping again that you'll do the work and figure it out. Don't do it. The baby chick needs to peck it's own way out of the shell or it will die! Here are some other phrases to use with a Victim that will help you stay off the Rescuer position. "I'm sure you can figure this out. I'll look forward to hearing about your success." "Are you asking me for something?" "Will you think about what it is you want?" "Will you be specific?" "I'm not a mind reader, tell me exactly what you want from me and I'll consider it."

The other aspect about taking up a Rescuer position is to examine what it is that you are not asking for. "What needs of my own am I indirectly attempting to fill by doing this rescue thing?"

If a Rescuer invites you to play Victim (you'll feel discounted) and you don't want to, move to clear structure. This will involve interrupting the Rescuer with "I'm confident I'll figure that out, what I would like to discuss is ..." or "I'm not interested in talking about that. Instead let's discuss ..."