Transactional Analysis : Behavior Drivers

In addition to the injunctions (see previous lesson) that our parents invited us to accept, they also indicated to us how we should behave in order to be OK with them. As we aged, our Parent ego state retained these messages and has been replaying them ever since. If we act on them and actually do the prescribed behavior, we are responding from a historical mandate from our Child. We are driven to do it because mommy or daddy said we'd be OK with them if we did. Hence the TA name : Drivers.

There are five types of driver behaviors that when acted out indicate a person is in script and not using Adult. Most people use all five in varying amounts, and each of us have a favorite. Let's work through one driver at a time so you'll gain a better understanding of what drives you as part of your script, and why.

Be Perfect: Your parents sent and you accepted the message that you would be OK with them if you were perfect. Often this message came across as "you should do better" or "you can do better" or "You're smarter than that". Did you ever achieve a personal goal, report it to your parent(s) only to be told "You can do better"? A person acting out this driver will physically look tense, stern, eyes looking up for the perfect answer/question/facts, stroking the chin, steepling the fingers, and perhaps finger counting the points being discussed. The Be Perfect person will speak in a well modulated, professional manner perhaps sounding righteous with a clipped tone of voice. Favorite words include: of course, obviously, clearly, probably, and possibly. When speaking or writing, the person will attempt to convey the message perfectly, of course with clear enunciation possibly with multisylabic language and obviously with no smelling pistakes. (How ya like them apples, daddy-o?)

Try Hard: Your parents sent and you accepted the message that you would be OK with them if you tried hard. Often this message came across as "you should try harder" or "you didn't try hard enough". So you've been trying hard at everything ever since. Nothing you do is taken on in the easy way. If given the choice you prefer being tested to prove your worth. Physically you have vertical lines extending up from the bridge of the nose on the forehead or a slight frown/grimace - because it's hard. You'll sit forward and be attentive with fingers placed on the face beside the eyes or on the jaw just under the ear. You will use the following phrases: it's hard, I can't, I'll try, I don't know, difficult, huh?, what's that? You also will have a tight stomach, and tense shoulders. A common situation is for a person to also have the injunction Don't Think. The combination becomes: "Don't Think but you'll be OK with me if you Try Hard", so rather than pausing and spending time gathering data and planning, you prefer jumping right in and just trying.

Please Me: Your parents sent and you accepted the message that you would be OK with them if you pleased them. Often this message came across as "you are not good enough unless you please me" or "don't be selfish". Please Me driven people tend to be accommodating and compliant, easy going and often labeled as thoughtful. These folks might think they can mind read other people's thoughts or feelings and needs, which they subsequently attempt to satisfy. If asked by a spouse what they want, a frequent response is "Oh I'm not fussy, whatever you want is fine with me." Physically they have worry lines on their foreheads, a tendency to nod while listening, and a tense tight stomach. In a whiney, squeaky voice they prefer the phrases: you know, could you, can ya, kinda, OK by you, should I, whaddidIdo.

Hurry Up: Your parents sent and you accepted the message that you would be OK with them if you hurried. Often this message came across as "you'll never get it done" or "you're too slow" or just "Hurry!". Hurry Up people move quickly with a jerky, staccato tendency. They have a frown and darting or shifty eyes. Often squirming, tapping fingers or bouncing the legs up and down in an impatient or antsy nervous manner they find waiting around is very uncomfortable. Favorite phrases are: Hurry, Let's go, Comeon, Are we done? They like to be on the go and have several projects on the go concurrently, juggling many balls in the air. They have little time to feel their feelings. These are the folks who drive and perform other functions at the same time: shaving, makeup, reading a book, using a phone, or even in one reported case, playing a violin! But hey, gotta keep moving (snapping fingers on both hands) you can rest after you're dead.

Be Strong: Your parents sent and you accepted the message that you would be OK with them if you were strong. Often this message came across as "you can't let them know you're weak" or "don't show your emotions- that's being weak" or "big boys don't cry". So like the song says "I'm gonna harden my heart ...", be a tough guy, become insensitive, and drag my guts along behind me on the road to victory ie. when mommy and daddy finally see I'm OK. "When the going gets tough the tough get going", has appealed to those people in a challenge - and to everyone acting under the Be Strong driver. Physically these people seem impassive, cold, hard, rigid, and numb. They sit with legs crossed, arms folded, hands rigid while speaking in a hard, crisp, flat monotone. Their favorite phrases are: no comment, I don't care, this ___ bores me, the thought strikes me that, situations like this ...

Driven Ms. Daisy: Once Daisy recognizes that she does one or more driver behaviors on a frequent regular basis, she could choose to change her future through conscious effort. To do so she would have to pick a driver and dedicate herself to catching it. Ultimately she should catch it when it is issued from her Parent ego state as a should or inclination, before she complies with it. For example if she was after the Please Me driver, she would check with herself before agreeing to do anything for anyone: "Am I afraid to say no? What do I want?" Unless drivers are caught, we will be acting from our script even while believing we're behaving from free will. The clues are in the predictable patterns of what we do. Using Adult to respond to situations we will not be predictable; but choose appropriate responses instead. And hey, it's OK not to be perfect.