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Nurtured Heart Approach : Not Just for Children
Once the immediate pandemonium of 911 settled, new policies and procedures for Canadians entering the U.S. began
to be implemented. As a psychotherapist participating in advanced training in the U.S. I discovered a policy
change first hand when I next attempted to cross the border. The key word “training” had been red-flagged and I
was dutifully interrogated by six different security officers for 45 minutes until they decided I wasn’t a
threat. As such I no longer treat my entries into the U.S. as simple as crossing a bridge. Those folks are all
business, deadly serious business.
In January 2007 I was leaving Canada for Howard Glasser’s Nurtured Heart week long training in Tucson by way of
Toronto International airport, and U.S. customs and immigration. When my turn came to approach the officer I
observed him to be about 35, handsome, fit, and full-on security guy with spotless uniform, shiny this and
that’s, knife edge creases – and back up personnel standing in military stances to his rear. I’ll refer to him
as The Man. Here’s what transpired:
The Man: Place of birth and citizenship!
Nervous Me: Canada and Canadian.
The Man: Passport and boarding pass!
Nervous Me: <handing them over>
The Man: Destination!
Nervous Me: Tucson.
The Man: Purpose and duration of your trip!
Nervous Me: Business (notice I don’t say training), eight days.
The Man: What kind of business!
Nervous Me: Parenting conference.
The Man: You’re in the parenting business?
Nervous Me: I work as a psychotherapist which often means I coach people on parenting issues.
The Man: You have a business card?
Nervous Me: <handing one over>
The Man: So what’s this conference all about exactly.
Nervous Me: <taking a moment to calm myself> It’s a technique called Nurtured Heart Approach.
The Man: Uhhu, go on.
Nervous Me: What we’ve noticed is that children respond well to parental recognition of all the behaviors they
do on an on-going basis that comply with parent values and rules; yet parents hardly ever give enough of that
recognition. So the Nurtured Heart Approach helps parents give children lots of recognition.
The Man: You mean praise?
Nervous Me: Sort of.
The Man: Isn’t that over indulging them?
Nervous Me: <I was shocked, stunned, and astounded that he’d listened and actually had an intelligent
appropriate question, so I temporarily forgot what was at stake and replied> Here’s an example. I’ve been
watching you perform your tasks with me. You’ve been appropriately polite but serious, giving excellent eye
contact, dutifully moving through your checklist, managing the computer and me at the same time. This tells me
you are well trained, skilled, responsible and have an ethical foundation for your work. The fact that you
listened to my explanation of Nurtured Heart and had a thoughtful question also tells me you are present to the
situation and fully engaged – also admirable qualities. Now, does that feel like over indulgence?
The Man: <he gave me some serious eye contact without a smile at first, then the corners of his mouth started to
turn up and in a couple of seconds he had a warm smile on his face and, maybe I imagined it, a twinkle in his
eye. He handed my passport back (keeping my business card) and said> Have a nice day sir.
The moral of the story is that all people, young and old, like to be recognized, to be seen and heard and worthy
of being seen and heard.
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