It's so easy to pick up the phone and make a call that most people do it without thinking. Every call you make impacts another person, and that's a fact. So you have a choice, positive impact, negative impact, or neutral impact. Neutral is such a fine grey area that it is almost a non-issue. Even phoning for directory information can be made positive or negative since the operator is monitoring the call.

When you make a call you obviously want something from the person at the other end. Your success will depend on your approach and strategy. Would you go into an important meeting without a strategy? Then why do it on the phone?

Plan the Call

1. Identify yourself. Even for family members. The reason is not so much so they know who you are but to establish your power and position. By formally declaring who you are, you are sending an ulterior transaction: like a king or queen, "I am important enough to be announced". This isn't a power play; it's a self esteem assertion: "I'm worthy of you knowing who I am."  And sometimes the other person for reasons of their own will not be able to identify your voice, so it is a courtesy to them as well.
   
   
2. State the purpose of your call. This will establish why you are calling - to visit or chat, or deal with some business or whatever. A clear statement of intent sets the tone for the call and sends the message that you have been thoughtful about it. The ulterior transaction is that you are a powerful, capable, responsible person.
   
   
3. Ask for the time you need to conduct your call. This communicates your respect for their personal power and who they are as a person - a stroke, and it communicates that you have respect for yourself and your time. It also reinforces the fact that you have been thoughtful about the call. Again a characteristic of a powerful person.
   
   
4. Make your points. Be as succinct as possible. State your commitments. Clarify dates and times, follow up or follow through actions, and ...
   
   
5. Ask for what you want (if appropriate). Don't hint (ie. I could really use your camera.).
   
   
6. Sign off. Plan how you'll do this! Be proactive. Take the stance that your time is valuable, their time is valuable and you've accomplished the purpose of your call. Including a stroke is a great way to leave a call. Another way to exit is to plan the next call.
   
   
7. Write the plan down on paper. If it's worth doing it's worth writing it down. For those calls that you feel anxious about, rehearse with someone who can role play the other party. Modify as required by these trial runs. If you're the kind of person who would rather just plunge on in, here's a question for you. Why is it that every Olympic athlete and every pro athlete, practices? Why is it that every person starting a new activity does better in the long run by taking lessons and practicing? Are you so naturally gifted that practice would make no improvement? Is your rate of telephone success so high that it couldn't go up a little more with some modifications?
   
   Pete Rose once said "The more balls I hit in practice, the luckier I get!"

   Positioning

   From the psychological point of view, for almost all calls, the thoughtful part of you, what we call the Adult ego state, is the best since it is a here-and-now state. Here are a few tips on getting into Adult prior to the call, and staying there once the call begins.

   Plan your call and write it down. Write it down. I cannot emphasize this enough. Then as the call proceeds jot notes on the plan as the person responds to you. Taking notes will help you think and stay with your plan. Even if you feel yourself moving towards lecturing or emotional keep taking notes for the post-call debriefing you'll want to do.

   Physically position yourself appropriate to the purpose of the call. If it's a chat call, get yourself in a comfortable spot. If it's to discuss an issue - sit in an upright chair at a desk. If you need to be sending 'friendly' ulterior messages, get yourself in front of a mirror to see your smiling face. If it's a quick, high energy announcement type call, stand up and pace beside a desk with your note pad ready. Get a headset so you can talk and take notes or flip through your day planner (you have a planner right?).

   Call when ready. And not a moment sooner. Give the call the respect it deserves! If the outcome is important, treat the call with that importance. Usually : Don't call when drunk or tipsy. Don't call when angry. Don't call when sad or depressed (unless you're calling for support). Your mood is actually more important than your message content because your mood communicates the ulterior transaction which always takes precedence with the listener.

   Family

   Because you probably spent your formative years being dominated by caretaker type parent persons and perhaps siblings, your current interactions with them are influenced by those years. When in their presence, the tendency will be to slip into the familiar old role, or valiantly protest the role by taking a rebellious stand. In either case, not Adult. Don't fool yourself into thinking this doesn't happen to you - just ask your siblings or parents if you sometimes act 10 around them! The previous telephone tips will assist you in staying Adult. The following are more general.
   
   

   • Address your parent type figures by their given names. Out with the old mommy and daddy, mom and dad, father and mother, grandpa and grandma or whatever! In with the first names. And here's a tip. The harder this change seems to you, the more important it is that you look at how you regress when you step across that family threshold. Parenting is a role, not a position. As an adult, you shouldn't need your parents anymore! (Unless you specifically choose to receive therapeutic reparenting.)
     
     
   • Get call display capable phones and subscribe. If you're not ready for a call, don't take it.
     
     
   • Options for all family interactions. Be prepared to defer to a later time - walk away. Pre-negotiate agreements not to discuss certain issues, or for people to refrain from behaving in certain ways. If they refuse, walk. Your life is too important to allow predictable negative outcomes and strokes. Unless of course your stroke economy is in such bad shape that family fights and issues are needed for the illusion of intimacy. Then jump right in there and duke it out. Everyone will get their negative racket feeling payoff and justify their script.

   Final Comments

   Most people for most of their lives just take and make voice calls, text msgs, and emails with thoughtless reckless disregard for negative outcomes that are directly related to how they actually communicate. Instead they careen through their life like characters in a video game, as if a reset button will fix damaged relationships. How you communicate is the basis of relating, it's the ground on which you stand, it's the starting point every time; so if you mess it up, you're starting in a mess, standing in a mess, relating from a mess. Implement even half of the above and you'll be glad you did.